‘Truly many intimate partners/close associates transgress against one another, save those who believe and perform righteous deeds. And yet, how few are they!’ (Holy Qur’an, 38:25)
'The just will be on platforms of light in the presence of God; those who are just in their decisions, with their families, and with what they are in charge of.' --Holy Prophet Muhammad (sa).
An anecdote from early Muslim history suggests that during the time of the second caliph Hazrat Umar (ra), he apparently wrote to his governors saying: ‘Tell relatives to visit one another, and not to live next to one another.’ Commenting on Hazrat ‘Umar’s words, Imam Al-Ghazzali said: ‘He said that because living next to one another may lead to conflicts and may lead to alienation and severing of ties.’ [Ihya’ ‘Uloom al-Deen (2/216)]. According to another saintly figure in Islam, ‘If you live further away from one another you will have greater love for one another.’
In the final analysis, whether in family or in the larger society, the personal space and freedom, dignity and interests, rights and responsibilities of each other who live in close proximity with one another, needs to be mutually assured, and collectively ensured for harmony in the home, and sustainable peace in society.
Reproduced
Below is an insightful response given by Imam- Jamaat Ul Sahih Al Islam
International Hazrat Muhyiuddin Al Khalifatullah Al Mahdi Munir Ahmad Azim (aba)
of Mauritius to a question recently raised by a Canadian Muslim, Mr. Salim Meeajan, on
the larger meaning of ‘being fair and just’. Responding to the question, Hazrat
Saheb (aba) states:
‘Suppose your mother has a problem with your wife-
you don't just side with one of them; no, you must be just. You must be fair. If
your mother is wrong, she is wrong, even if she is your mother.
We (Muslims) usually have an attitude where we say, my mother is my door to paradise and we side with our mother even when she is wrong. Sometimes your mother is your door to hell. Did you know that? If your mother is oppressive and she is doing something wrong, she could be your door to hell, not to heaven.
And I am saying this very seriously; because we have seen a lot
of marriages where the mother-in-law thinks she is the queen who rules the household and that the woman to whom you are married to comes after her. And thus she deems it her right to come and relay all
her unjust instructions which are absolutely unacceptable. And the man [her
son/ the husband] just sits down: That's my mother, that’s my mother, that’s
my mother...How long are you going to keep on saying: that's your mother?
When your mother is oppressing your wife, something, somehow, somewhere needs to be said...You should either speak to your father or tell your mother about it in the most respectful manner: ‘Mother, I love you so much. I did not marry this woman for her to be a means of taking my love away from you or your love away from me. The love I have for you is totally different from the love l have for her. So, dear mother, I will love you forever. But I want to tell you, this is the line you should not cross, my beloved mother.’ And you kiss her forehead; you can kiss her hands and her cheek and tell her that ‘my mother, you are wrong’- with all tact and affection that you can muster.
Communicate. Lay it all down on the table. Be frank. be that just mediator that you can be as a God-fearing Muslim, acting both in the interest of your mother and wife, and establishing justice as per the Book of Allah.
When you do not lay your territory, when you cannot balance your marriage and your duty to your parents, then in absence of true justice, your marriage cannot work, and you will lead a miserable life, knowing that you were unfair to an innocent (in the case your wife was in the right). People don't know where your limit is; it is up to you to set the boundaries so that both your marriage and the relation between you and your mother or father or both remain intact, unaffected by the circumstances of life. Your mother doesn't know. Your father doesn't know. Even your wife doesn't know. So you should set the boundaries so that everybody have their own space, their own privacy and their rights respected.
Some fathers issue instructions to their
daughters-in-law worse than the instruction of their own son to his own wife.
You should make your father aware that he cannot just come and say to your
wife, his daughter-in-law, that she must do this and that, or that he commands
you (his son/ her husband) to issue the order to obey your father (parents).
No!
They (the wives in Islam) have their own lives. Give
them their freedom. Understand? They too need to grow in marriage to live
happily ever after. Insha-Allah.
It's not just you who comes and issue instructions and
go out. I know this. What l've said here might be a bit bitter for some people
to digest. But it is a fact of life. It is a red button (evoking danger zone) that we press. And we
need to press it and constantly remind people not to transgress the limit between fairness/ justice and oppression.
Because when you talk about ‘happily ever after’, remember you need to address issues that are current and valid. Otherwise you are wasting your time. I cannot speak about a fairy tale which issues from the imagination of man. But the 'happily ever ever' is your Duniya (temporal world) and your Aakhirat (eternal life). If we as Muslims cannot be just and fair, we cannot really be the best judge in matters of high importance.
Your wife is your responsibility. She relies on you for justice and fairness. Likewise, if your parents are under the bullying of your wife, then you should stop her and act in all fairness towards your parents if they are right. That is why it is essential that you must know the issue inside out before taking your decision. That is why good manners , polite words and fair understanding is required to maintain that essential equilibrium for the peace of your household to be maintained in a consistent way. Insha Allah. Act with respect to your parents, and your wife as well, and resolve the issue with Taqwah (fear of Allah). Insha Allah.
And I address the parents: Please do not hate your child- just because he needs a bit of time with his wife; It is quite natural that he would want to spend his time with his wife, or with his children. Allow them that. Let them go. You do not have to go everywhere your children go...
But, all in all, it is very important for the Muslim believer to look after his parents. I am not at all undermining that. That is a rule on its own. Look
after your parents. But be just when it comes to your relation with them, and
the relation with your spouse. That is very essential to maintain the balance in your life and to be happy.
Be just even with your children. Some people...and
this happens in some homes: they have more than one child, so the children
begin to get children...so those children who live with them in the same home...every
time those parents shout at them; we pick on them...why? It’s because they are living in
the same home...And when the other son's children come [because they live far
away]... ‘oh my son, where were you? What happened?’ These children (at home),
they are seeing and reflecting: ‘Look at this grandfather of mine, I am close to him but he does not value me and yells at me whereby he dotes on my cousin who lives far away?’.
So those grandchildren living in the same house do not feel loved or valued. They compare...
Human nature makes us get irritated with those who
live us with sometimes. And we can't appreciate the gift of living together in one household. We feel closer to those living far. This is why we need to tell parents: ‘Sometimes
you need to make sure your children live a little bit of a distance from you so
that you can become even closer in relation.’
And l have seen in my life with lots of experience
that those children who are not living with their parents, they are sometimes
closer in relation with their parents; they may have a better understanding,
and they may have a much better relation (because all boundaries are respected whereby disputes are avoided).
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